Do you all play hockey?

Yes. Actually, let me amend that: all white people in Canada play hockey. I only watch it at the bar when it happens to be on the television while I'm fueling my rampant alcoholism.

What were the repercussions of the movie “Strange Brew”?

Strange Brew cemented our national identity. We have become a nation of goofy, toque-wearing, non-threatening lager lovers. Before that, we flirted with identifying ourselves with dog sleds and igloos. I'm much happier with the current stereotype.

Do you all say “eh”?

As a matter of fact, we do tend to say ‘eh’ quite a bit. I say it when I'm talking to my friends, colleagues, parents—even to Santa Claus at the end of my nightly prayers. But depending on where in Canada you go, even the ‘eh’ differs. For instance, in the prairie provinces of Manitoba and Saskatchewan, it sounds more like ‘hay.’

Are there moose (meese) everywhere?

I have never seen a moose in my entire life. But I have seen lots of black squirrels and rabbits. The University of Victoria campus is teeming with rabbit-life.

Do you only eat Canadian bacon?

I like my bacon like I like my women—of all different varieties.

What are your thoughts on Alaska?

Alaska confuses me. It's like Canada, Canada, Canada, America? What the heck are you guys doing up here? I honestly mix up Alaska and the Yukon constantly. Well, as constantly as you can confuse a subject that only comes up twice a year.

Is it always cold?

Only in the winter. In the summer, it is unbearably hot and muggy. At least in Toronto it is. Your mileage may vary if you are in the Yukon. Or was it Alaska?

Is it true your army is equipped only with plastic knives and sporks?

I only wish we had sporks! Those things are the best! It is the Swiss Army Knife of fast food.

What’s with the Maple Leaf?

I'm not sure what the deal is with the maple leaf. I love maple syrup as much as the next person, but I must admit that it is an odd choice as a national symbol. Even as trees go, it's not exactly awe-inspiring. Is it symbolic of our love for waffles? Ok, actually, I think I understand the maple leaf now.

How do you respond to claims that you are America’s biggest national park?

I bite my thumb at thee, sir.*