We've all seen them, cruising up and down the same street repeatedly, their 1998 Chevy Cavalier bouncing up and down, shiny wheels spinning and an unsettling rumble coming from the trunk. Rarely does anyone gaze upon these spectacles and marvel, but that hardly matters to the drivers of these cars because, well, they're douche bags. They think you'll see all of their hard work and—more importantly—maybe even all the money they've dumped into their rides. How much, you ask?

Spinners

To a douche bag, there's no easier way to really improve your car's appearance than a sweet set of spinners—wheels that seem to continue spinning even though the car is stationary. To a logical, intelligent person, it's still a 1996 Geo Metro with unnecessarily expensive wheels. A cheap set will cost about $300 while a really great set (this is a relative term) can run upwards of $3,000. Then there are the ones that were owned by someone special, like Lil' John: those will cost you at least $12,000.

Subwoofers

Ah, the subwoofer. What is the point of these things? For reference, every speaker consists of two main parts, a woofer and a tweeter. The woofer puts out the lower register and the tweeter projects the upper register. A subwoofer, as the name would suggest, puts out the stuff the woofer can't. You see, there are sounds in music that most people choose not to hear: subwoofers unlock these sounds, and with the help of an amplifier make them EVEN LOUDER.

These are surprisingly inexpensive, but you're going to need several components: First, the speaker itself, which can cost as little as $30; next, a box to mount the speaker in for a minimum cost of about $45; finally, if you want it to really kick...something...you're going to want at least one amplifier, which will run about $200 for a crappy one. Then again, if you want, you can just buy the whole system, fully integrated in a neat package, for about $600.

Disc Changer

A dying breed as iPods and other mp3 players are being integrated into car audio, the disc changer allows the driver to load up to 12 CDs at a time and play any of them without having to change discs. Naturally this is key as changing out CDs will not only interrupt the walrus flatulence coming from the trunk, but it would also make it possible to mistakenly drive by some chicks without noticing, and if one didn't notice the chicks, how in the world would one know to turn up the volume? It's a vicious cycle. Changers range in price from $180 for a decent one to $210 for an identical one that costs more.

Hydraulic Hoppers (Low Riders)

Technically, being from the Midwest, I have never seen one of these in person, and therefore assume that—like Terminator robots—these are only made when they need to be shown in movies. As it turns out, many outfitters can hook you up with everything you need to make your car bounce, shimmy, and even drive on two wheels (who hasn't wanted to do that?).

There are two routes to follow here: buy the components piecemeal and install them over time (LOSER) or buy a kit and have it installed right now (DUDE). The kit's going to run $510 for the front end only and $1,825 for what's known as a “4 pump kit,” the name of which seems a little too sexual to have anything to do with cars. Of course, if you want to go the loser route, get ready to live—you’re going to need all kinds of things, including (but not limited to): accumulators, coil springs, tanks, hoses, fittings, cylinders, and something called “dumps.”

Window Tinting

Most people know that window tinting is about the easiest thing to do to a car to make it look like it didn't just come from the factory. Kits can be purchased just about anywhere, and they often look pretty crappy once they start bubbling and peeling off. For the serious window tinter though, there are many top-end merchants willing to hook you up with all the necessary goods. One such merchant—who runs a reputable, just-threw-this-together-in-Publisher Web site—offers the following pricing, regardless of make and model: Rear Window ($37), Rear Sides ($16), Front Doors ($23), Windshield Visor Strip ($11). But that's not all! For an extra $2.99, he'll send you written instructions. Finally, shipping is either 10 day ($14.99) or "expedited" 3 day ($19.99). And let's face it, in the quest to become the ultimate toolbox asshat, there really isn't time to waste—go with the 3 day.

"Whale Tail" spoilers

These were actually a pretty good idea when they started out. The idea behind the spoiler is to spoil the airflow as it goes over the top of the car, making it far less likely that the car would act as an airfoil and leave the ground at high speeds. So, you know, safety...for the kids. However, cars such as the Dodge Neon, Chevy Metro and anything made by Volkswagon are far from the danger of taking unintentional flight. Therefore, the addition of such appendages to such cars is laughable, and anyone driving such a car should be required to abstain from unprotected sex out of the fear that he might unwittingly procreate.

Neon Under-Car Lights

This trend came about late in the 20th century and was no doubt prodded along by the extreme yet unexplainable popularity of the movie The Fast and the Furious. Hardcore sub-car lighting enthusiasts will tell you that these lights make it appear your car is flying. Of course, these are the same guys who will tell you that a strong enough bass boost can elicit a female orgasm (this is a fallacy). Still, for a mere $75, these latter-day Cassanovi can buy an entire kit of LED knockoffs which will only be installed temporarily (“until I get my next couple paychecks from Domino's”), because LEDs are for suckers. The real lights, the ones that REALLY make the ladies sit up, take notice and then sit right back down again, are neons. A cheap set of four neon tubes, plus everything one needs to install them, runs anywhere from $100 to $230, depending on the quality. Finally, for an extra $20 plus shipping, there is the remote control system. Because, hey, if you're going to have neon lights under your car, you want those suckers to turn on BEFORE you get in the car, not shortly thereafter—that's just common sense, Thomas Paine!

So there you have it, for mere thousands of dollars, you too can have a car that no woman will ever want to ride in, and that will in no way improve your chances of getting laid!