In the 1100s, a dedicated group of Scotsmen decided to find a recreational activity that would leave them hungry enough to find haggis appetizing. They came up with golf. There are also claims that early versions of the game were played in China and the Netherlands, but I say if it isn't Scottish, it's crap.*

In the 900 years golf has been played, a number of developments have improved the quality of the game—most notably, the decreased
risk of contracting the black plague after a round.

The game began modernizing in the mid-18th century, when the uniform number of 18 holes was established at the St. Andrews Links in Scotland. It has often been said that the number of holes was set at 18 because that was how long it took pioneering golfers to get through the flasks of scotch they carried. (Seriously, I didn't make that up. But that doesn't mean someone else didn't make it up first.)

Because golf is truly an ancient game, it is steeped in tradition. Understanding these traditions is the key to understanding golf—they are the backbone of the game. Perhaps in no other sport is change met with so much resistance.

While some of these changes are good—such as the fact you are no longer required to be an old white Protestant male who wears tight-fitting plaid pants to play—others are fiercely contested. Some think the expanding technology of golf, with titanium-powered clubs and balls that theoretically allow someone as inept as Elise to drive a ball 300 yards, has gotten out of control.

There are even fervent traditionalists opposed to a piece of technology that has been around for quite some time: the golf cart. They feel the golf course was meant to be walked, and it is a strong argument—driving a golf cart, one is hard-pressed to have the time necessary to finish a flask of scotch (unless playing in a foursome with Ted Kennedy, Gary Busey and Mel Gibson).

Now that you know a little bit about the background of golf, it's time to get into the nitty gritty. Pull up your knickers and pay attention.

You Care. Really.

Even after making it through my enthralling introduction to golf, you might not be convinced it's for you. After all, to the casual observer (and with golf there is no other kind) it can appear to be a little too leisurely or boring. Nonsense. Here's why golf matters:

Doing Business. If I had an actual statistic for how many of our country's biggest deals are worked out on the golf course, it would probably disturb you. If you want to be successful in business, a decent golf game can't hurt. If you don't golf, try to find another suitable way to press the flesh and kiss ass.

It's a socially acceptable way to get drunk. I used to caddy for a guy who would drink a six-pack by the time he'd finish the Front 9* then down another on the Back 9* depending on how well he was doing. What made this more impressive is the fact he almost always teed off before 8 a.m. Do that same routine at a bar, it's considered a problem; do it at a golf course and, well, it's still a problem, but at least it'll get shrugged off.

You get to be outside instead of at your desk for four hours. This sells itself.

It's a good workout. Walking an 18-hole course is typically four miles in length, plus there's a good chance you'll have some hills.

Swearing. Barring maybe a pirate ship, there is no place on earth with fouler language than a golf course.

Tools for Success

Before taking to the golf course, there are some essential items you will need: clubs, a bag to place them in, tees and balls. In case you are wondering what each club is used for:

Woods

Despite the fact that they are no longer made out of wood, there is still a group of clubs known as woods, because it sounds better than “titaniums.” These are generally used to hit the ball the farthest, so in most cases these are what you will use to start your hole.

The 1 Wood, or Driver, is the largest club in the bag and can project a ball many hundreds of yards away. Because of the low angle of loft on the club face, it is also most likely to send your ball in the direction of innocent bystanders rather than a straight line.

As the number gets higher—like with the 3 and 5 Woods, or if you are a geezer, the 7 Wood (I once saw an old bat with a 13 Wood, but that was just absurd)—so does the angle of loft. This means your distance will decrease each time you pick a higher number and will therefore be less likely to kill someone with your shot.

Irons

You'll typically be using irons for your follow-up shots on a hole (at least once you get within 180 yards or so of the hole). As is the case with woods, the higher the number, the less distance your shot is going to travel. Irons in your bag will range from the 3-iron (if you are a beginner, don't even bother swinging this club. It would be like crossing the streams*) to a pitching wedge and sand wedge.

Wedges

To be used when you are close to the green and trying to get your ball close to the hole. When playing these shots, you'll want to keep the ball closer to your back foot so it will plop up into the air nicely and not go rocketing over the green.

Putter

This is pretty simple. It's the club you putt with. If you've been mini-golfing, you've used one. However, there are several different varieties of putters. Some people even use putters with long shafts that extend all the way into their armpit. Pay no attention to these people, for they are the ones who have no confidence in their ability to stabilize the putter with just their arms.

Glossary of Terms

Par

This is the number of strokes in which you are supposed complete a hole. For most holes, par is 4. For shorter holes, it's 3. Longer holes, 5. Par for the course on most 18-hole layouts is 72. For beginners, par is more idea than reality.

Ace

In addition to being the name for an ambiguously gay superhero on SNL, it's also the proper term to use for a hole-in-one.

Birdie

If you get your ball into the hole one stroke under par, you've just made a birdie. If you hit a bird with your ball and it dies, you've just made PETA's hit list.

Bogey

When Tom Cruise flew into the danger zone in Top Gun, he was looking out for bogeys—enemy airplanes. If Tom Cruise was on the golf course, he would be making bogeys—finishing a hole one or more strokes over par. With each additional stroke over par, the description of your bogey gets bigger: double bogey, triple bogey, quadruple bogey, etc.

Bunker

Also known as a sand trap. Keep your ball away from here. But if you do go into the sand, always remember to rake away your footprints—golfers don't leave any clues at the crime scene.

Back 9

The final nine holes of the course.

Front 9

The first nine holes of the course.

19th Hole

The place where you get drunk after finishing your round, unless you're already drunk.

Slice

A shot that goes too far to the right. Think of it as the Anne Coulter of golf shots.

Hook

Term used to describe a shot that goes too far to the left. Think of it as the Michael Moore of golf shots. Or if your shot is only four feet long, the Dennis Kucinich.

Mulligan

When you screw up your first shot, sometimes your playing partners will offer you a mulligan. But they aren't talking about a handsome Irishman—it's simply a do-over shot. Most people are willing to give you one or two mulligans per round. (A mulligan taken on your first shot of the day is sometimes referred to as a “breakfast ball.”) Think of a mulligan as the George W. Bush of golf shots. No matter how badly you do the first time, you'll get a second chance.

Tee

A small wooden or plastic thingy that you place in the ground and put your ball on top of. Tees are only permitted on your first shot of the hole, unless you are a cheater.

Tee box

The area from which you tee off (hit your first shot). There will be colorful tee markers in the tee box—you must place your ball in-between these markers before teeing off. The tee box for women is set farther up, anywhere from a few yards to a hundred—whether they use it is optional.

Fairway

This is the short-grass area you are trying to land your ball on from the tee.

Rough

This is the long-grass area your ball will actually be landing in.

Hazard

Another word for water. Many par 3 holes are “protected” by a water hazard since they are trying to compensate for their short distance. Maybe they should just use Extenz.

Green

The place where you ultimately are trying to reach. This is where the hole is located, and where you putt. The grass is always shortest here.

Fringe

The area of grass surrounding the green that isn't quite as short as the green. Usually you'll still putt from here, but if you are far away from the hole you might want to use a wedge.

Pin

The flag sticking out of the hole is called the pin. You have to remove the pin from the hole once you are on the green, or you'll get a two-stroke penalty if you hit it with your ball. Hey, I didn't make the rules.

Caddie

A person who gets paid to carry your golf bag. Usually caddies are only found at private country clubs. But if you have one, tip them well. Your clubs can always end up at the bottom of a lake.

Handicap

On every golf scorecard, you'll see something that says Handicap. This does not mean that you are forced to play certain holes in a wheelchair. Rather, it is a way of measuring yourself against other golfers (other than by height.)*

For instance, let's say you're an 18 handicap. This means that you average a bogey per hole and shoot about 90 per round. If you are playing a scratch golfer—a par shooter—this system gives you an extra shot on each hole in an effort to even your game. If you're playing someone who is say, a 27 handicap, then you'd be giving them a stroke on each of the nine hardest holes on the course. The hole rankings are noted on the scorecard.

Key Players (Real)

Tiger Woods

If you don't know who Tiger Woods is, I don't even know why you bothered reading this far into the article.

Jack Nicklaus

Known as The Golden Bear, Nicklaus is the guy Tiger is trying to shoot for in the record books for most career victories in major tournaments (there are four majors each year: The Masters, U.S. Open, British Open and PGA Championship).

Arnold Palmer

Arnie was the original guy credited with bringing golf to the masses in the early '60s. A true O.G. (Old Golfer).

Chi Chi Rodriguez

Chi Chi was known for brandishing his putter and sheathing it like a sword after making big putts. He's too old to play much now, but you'd be well served to figure out how to do the sword thing with your putter. Or putt with an actual sword.

Phil Mickelson

Also known as Lefty, because he swings his clubs backwards compared to right-handed people. He is the No. 2 player in the world and Tiger's chief rival, though he is known for a propensity to fall apart in clutch situations.

John Daly

The everyman of the PGA Tour who can hit the ball farther than just about anyone. He smokes, drinks, eats and cusses his way into the hearts of every blue-collar golf fan. However, he does more drinking than golfing these days, cutting into the number of tournaments he plays in. Let's let John put it best: "There are probably some things I could do to keep my flexibility up, but I'd rather smoke, drink diet Cokes and eat."

Natalie Gulbis

Ladies, you might think that you are talking to a sensitive kind of guy who watches women's golf when he mentions this name. Don't be fooled. He's just mentioning it because she's hot.

Key Players (Fake)

None of the following people are real, but all have contributed to golf in the cinematic way.

Happy Gilmore

The namesake of golf film starring Adam Sandler (which features a tremendous cameo by Bob Barker), Gilmore is a former hockey player-turned-golfer who brings a different type of golf fan to tournaments.
Key Line: “Just taaaaaap it in.”

Shooter McGavin

Expertly played by Christopher McDonald, he is Happy Gilmore's chief rival and perhaps one of the greatest villains in the history of low-brow comedy.
Key Line: “Damn you people! Go back to your shanties!”

Ty Webb

Portrayed by Chevy Chase, Ty Webb is a rich young playboy who is one of the few likeable members at Bushwood. In real life, I hear Chevy Chase is a dick. Too bad.
Key Line: “Be the ball.”

Al Czervik

This is the role that made Rodney Dangerfield a household name. Literally every line he has in the movie induces laughter.
Key Line: As previously noted, all his lines are key, so it's impossible to pick just one, but I'll give you my favorite: “I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell 'em you're Jewish, okay?”

Danny Noonan

The actual protagonist of Caddyshack. He is a simple caddy trying to earn his way to a college scholarship. Unfortunately, the only way to do so is kiss major ass. Key Line:
Ty: “Do you do drugs Danny?”
Danny: “Every day, sir.”
Ty: “Good.”

Judge Smails

The ultimate snob. Ted Knight's character is a scarily accurate portrayal of some (not all, but some) country club members.
Key Line: “You will have nothing and like it!”

Carl Spackler

The assistant groundskeeper at Bushwood Country Club in Caddyshack, Spackler (Bill Murray) is dedicated to keeping gophers off the course by any means necessary. He's also the most significant cinematic character since that guy in Citizen Kane.
Key Monologue: “So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one—big hitter, the Lama—long, into a 10-thousand foot crevice, right at the base of this glacier. And do you know what the Lama says? 'Gunga galunga...gunga—gunga galunga.' So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, 'Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.' And he says, 'Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.' So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.”