A Parent/Teacher Conferences is like a blind date. Well, a blind speed date. Two people that know little more than each other's names are set up by a third party. There is an awkward handshake, brief pleasantries exchanged, and an immediate attempt to size up the other person. Who will be in control? Who will set the tone? Who will cut the cord if it's not going well?

Of course, the metaphor doesn't completely hold water. The third party that set up the date probably wishes the two would never meet. George Costanza put it best when he spoke of worlds colliding: the student does not want their "home" self mingling with their "school" self. They have likely spent years cultivating these two contradictory personalities, and a student divided cannot stand!

A teacher's goal in a parent/teacher conference depends on the type of parent that awkwardly sits in the student desk in front of them. These are the parent types most typically in attendance:

• Parent Type: The Condescending Elder. They take one look at your face?the face that the lunch ladies confuse for a student if you don't wear a tie to school?and the rest of the conversation is filled with comments prefaced by "I know you're just starting out, but" or "you may not know our family, but" or "let me see some ID."
• Teacher's Goal: Don't shave (only applies to young male teachers) and hope they went to the same college as you. If both of you are alums, they will celebrate, rather than mock, your youth.

• Parent Type: The Unnecessary Worrier. They are freaking out because their precious child has never gotten a B+ before, and they fear this will, of course, lead to their child living on the street, completely covered in paint and bird droppings, rambling nonsense about Japanese poetry.
• Teacher's Goal: (a) agree with them that they've raised a hopeless dimwit and watch the tears fall or (b) compare their child's grades to those of an actual dimwit in your class and watch the smile rise.

• Parent Type: The Voluntary/Unqualified Mentor. They think they are a self-taught scholar on your subject matter and feel it's their responsibility to fill you in on all the effective teaching strategies you aren't utilizing. But in fact, they're an idiot.
• Teacher's Goal: Swallow pride and ignore the temptation to smack them when they ask what you teached their kid.

• Parent Type: The Odd Couple. One brings a file folder with their child's previous tests and papers annotated with their own questions/comments/corrections (usually mom), and the other doesn't even know what class they're sitting in (usually dad).
• Teacher's Goal: Talk to the dad.

• Parent Type: The Crucial Get. Their child is struggling, and it is absolutely necessary to sit down with them and develop a cooperative plan before their child becomes, you guessed it, homeless? bird droppings? Japanese poetry.
• Teacher's Goal: Not applicable. Those parents don't come to parent/teacher conferences.