It would be a lie to claim that my group of friends in high school wasn’t slightly dorky. Most of us participated in activities like the academic team, Science Olympiad and the school newspaper. We also hung out with the German exchange student. But we weren’t hopelessly nerdy, either—a couple of my close friends played on our state-ranked baseball team, and one of us was a basketball player, albeit the last one off the bench.

While we were never invited to parties, we would at least drive around town in circles until we determined who was throwing a party that particular night. With one notable exception, we never actually crashed one of these parties though—we’d just move on to Denny’s or the bowling alley and wonder if everyone was really having a better time than we were.

That separated us from the total nerds. They would have stayed at home in some AOL chat room.

So even though we were for the most part pretty hopeless when it came to the fairer sex, all of us had reason for optimism in the spring of 2000. Everybody gets a date to their senior prom. It’s just a fact. No Hollywood dramatization of high school life has ever included a kid that didn’t go to prom. And they would never lie.

Hence, the chase was on for us to try and join our friend Kevin—the only one in the group who actually had a girlfriend (despite having no interests outside of fishing, bowling and football)—at prom. As April blossomed into an opportunity for me to make a lame metaphor, we all set our sights on the girl that we would bring to the big dance. It seems we may have overestimated our abilities.

The Cast of Characters (and their demise)

Brian: My best friend and every day ride to school senior year, Brian was one of two people in my group that had actually attended prom junior year. Experience, good looks and a starting spot on the baseball team seemed to work in his favor for a repeat performance. He was the one guy I hung out with that girls actually talked about using phrases other than “I think he was staring down my shirt.”

So it came as a bit of a surprise when the girl he asked had the misfortune of a scheduling conflict on prom weekend. It seems that she was planning on attending a college baseball game at the University of Illinois with her sister, whose boyfriend was on the team. It made sense, sort of—until a look at the internet confirmed that they were playing on the road at Ohio State that particular weekend. We were 0-for-1.

Kenny: My buddy Kenny was the only other person who managed to snag a date to prom as a junior (he asked a girl at the behest of our Science Olympiad coach). A larger than life guy with a personality to match—he’s still the only person I know to give himself a rap nickname (Big Ken Money)—he planned to go all-out and ask a girl that was seemingly out of his league. In fact, our nickname for her was “The Total Package,” because she had many attractive body parts.

To our surprise, she didn’t say no. She did, however, say that she was “going on a college visit” prom weekend. I’d think that most girls would probably plan around that. But if she was lying, at least she was a principled liar and didn’t actually go to the prom.

Zach: The aforementioned basketball player of the group, Zach was another who decided to go big or stay home. And even though he was going to ask a hot girl, she was only a junior, so that meant there was a chance.

He was able to get as much as an “I’ll get back to you” out of her. Later in the week, when she found a more suitable suitor for her tastes, she did get back to him with the bad news. Like the rest of the crew, he was dateless. But it’s not all bad—that girl later went on to become Miss Illinois. So it was a high-quality rejection, like an NBA player being blocked by Dikembe Motumbo in his prime.

Fernando: The lone junior in my most direct circle of friends, Fernando nonetheless had a very good chance of scoring a prom date. I mean, for Christ’s sake, his name is Fernando. White girls should find that exotic sounding.

Sure enough, he did find a girl who said yes. Then, a couple days later, she informed him that another guy had asked her to the dance. And she would rather go with that guy, even though he had a lame white guy name. At least poor Fer hadn’t bought his tickets yet.

Vince: There’s only one Vince. A native of Detroit who moved to my town in seventh grade, Vince loved nothing more than talking about his beloved Red Wings, mostly because every other team from Detroit sucked pretty hard while we were in high school. In addition to loving Detroit, Vince is known for being remarkably easy to trick—he’s the type of guy that’s trusting to the point of gullibility, which led to one of the greatest pranks of all time being pulled on him. But that’s another story.

Fully aware of Vince’s mentality, the girl he asked to prom figured she could pull the wool over his eyes as well. Her response to his request: “I’m going to have chicken pox that weekend.”

VINCE: What? How do you know that?

GIRL: My sister just got over them, so it’s going to hit me in a couple weeks because I’ve never had them before.

Even the ubertrusting Vince saw through that one, confiding to me, “I think she was making that up.”

ME: What, you thought this story would end without my very own participation? I’m proud to say that I was not formally rejected by the girl that I asked to prom. Mostly because I didn’t actually ask her.

The plan was to do it before school one day, right after our student council meeting. But, me being me, I wussed out. After a full school day giving me enough time to sack up, I strode to her locker after school fully intent to finally pull the trigger. Then, as I approached her, I saw it: a bouquet of flowers already in her hand. I had been beaten to the punch by a matter of minutes. So I just settled for an awkward wave and kept walking by, totally crushed and trying to devise an alternate plan.

Epilogue

While the initial waves of rejection stung a bit, we also realized that it was important not to go down in the flames of lameness.

So I decided to plan a non-prom. Those of us who weren’t going—along with a few other guys who didn’t even bother trying to find dates—would take a trip to the Cubs game on the day of prom. They were awful, and playing the even worse Pirates, so tickets would be easy to come by for a decent-sized group.

For most of us, it sounded like a plan. But Kenny and Vince were still dead-set on attending prom.

Kenny’s grandiose scheme involved asking a hot sophomore because she could only go to prom if an upperclassman asked her. Lo and behold, it worked.

Vince, on the other hand, was adamant on going even if he didn’t have a date. I gently tried reminding him that things tend to go wrong with that approach (see Sadie Hawkins), but he would have none of it—he was going to have a good time on his own terms, damnit!

As the “big day” approached, even our alternate plans started to go haywire. At work, it was discovered by management that I was the only guy at the golf course who wasn’t going to prom. So even though I had planned out the entire non-prom experience, I would not even be attending that—instead, it was me and a 65 year-old fat guy at work.

The guys that attended the non-prom didn’t have that much better of a time. The Cubs lost 4-2 and were described as “never really threatening to take the lead.”

The two guys that did go to prom? Well, they probably had the worst experience out of the whole group.

Vince was invited to take part in a large group photo at a girl’s house prior to the dance. Only he hadn’t been invited by her, so she was rather dismayed to see the dateless wonder bounding up her driveway in his tux. Therefore, she made the request that he stand to the side while the other 20 people smiled for the camera. Talk about harsh—she at least could have had him airbrushed out when the photographer developed the proofs.

Still, that bit of humiliation had nothing on Kenny’s night. It started with him joining Kevin (the guy with a girlfriend) and another couple in a limo from a less than reputable sounding place called Big Al’s Limo Service. They then picked up Kenny’s sophomore date, who asked him if he had any coke shortly after joining the party. And she wasn’t looking for a drink. Much to her dismay, the captain of the academic team was not carrying any blow.

As if things weren’t already awkward in the limo, the lack of air conditioning made things even worse for the group. It wasn’t just that there was no A/C—there was heat coming out of the vents, which did not combine very well with the 80-degree temperature outside.

Once at the prom, it only got worse. Kenny’s date danced with him a grand total of zero times and spent the whole night talking to other people. And despite the fact he was pretty much the only person there by himself, Vince did not manage to get in on one of her multiple dances with other dudes.

The moral of the story?

If you plan on attending prom, just think about all the booze school supplies those hundreds of saved dollars could get you when you’re at college in a year. Although I have no idea how you have stumbled upon this article if you’re actually in high school.

Have a harrowing tale? Were you the girl (or guy) crying in the bathroom at prom? Do share at editors@semiuseful.com.